Managing Conflict

Reflect on a conflict with a friend, significant other, family member, or co-worker. Using concepts from this week: communication climates and conflict, write about the conflict, influences on the conflict and the conflict ending. You should also write about what you would do next time through what you have learned from conflict management.

Managing Conflict

Conflict

Definition: 

Involves an expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources and interference from the other parties in achieving their goals.

Key Ideas

  • Expressed struggle – has to be verbally or nonverbally communicated
  • 2 interdependent parties – Includes 2 parties that depend on each other
  • Perceived Incompatible – goals, resources, or interference to achieve one’s goals

 

Conflict as defined by Mean Girls

Mean Girls and Conflict Theory (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.

Conflict Styles

While these styles are individual, conflict always involves two people who each have different conflict styles. 

Avoidance – avoiding the conflict (loose-loose)

  • skirting
  • Sniping – negative comment followed by abandoning the encounter
  • pseudo-conflict

Accommodating (loose-win)

Direct Aggression/Competition (win-loose)

Passive Aggression (win-loose to lesser degree) can be the appearance of accommodation then either punishment or guilt or alternate agenda.

Compromise (win/loose-win/loose or negotiated loose-loose)

Assertion/Collaboration (win-win)

Choose the most appropriate – pg 366 table 11.1

  • Situation
  • The other person involved
  • Your goals

 

 

Conflict Resolution

Conflict Resolution

 Friends and Conflict Resolution (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.

Gottman – The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse and Relationship Repair 

 

Gottman started his research in 1970’s creating the “Love Lab” and can predict with ~91% accuracy from watching couples argue for 3 minutes weather the relationship will thrive or fail. He started by looking at predictors for divorce in heterosexual couples but has expanded to looking at marriages and committed relationships, and same-sex relationships.  

4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse

  1. Criticism – negative statements about your partner 
  2. Defensiveness – blaming your partner
  3. Stonewalling – disengaging from the argument – no response and looking away, like they don’t care about what the other person is saying
  4. Contempt – Sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery and hostile humor which can convey disgust.

Real Examples:

Examples of 4 Horseman of Apocalypse (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.

3 things never to say in an argument (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.

 

Relationship Repair

7 Principles for Making Marriage/Committed Relationships Work (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.

  1. Enhancing your Love Maps
  2. Nurture your Fondness and Admiration
  3. Turn toward each other instead of away
  4. Let your partner influence you
  5. Solve your Solvable Problems
  6. Overcome grid lock
  7. Create Shared Meaning

 

Gottman on Relationship Repair (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.

 

Emotional Bank Account  (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.–  Making small everyday sacrifices and making efforts to notice and appreciate the kindnesses of your partner. This will sustain you when demanding times arise and efforts may fall short. This will help with Social Exchange Theory (Rewards Theory) to keep the relationship viewed as positive. Positive interactions (Rewards) to negative interactions must be in a ratio of at least 5:1 to predict longevity. 

Some ways to contribute to your Emotional Bank Account

  • Remember the little things that count
  • Be attentive and supportive
  • Do something special
  • Remember important dates
  • Fight with mutual respect
  • Keep it positive

Emotional Bank Account (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.

Conflict Management

Problem Solving

  1. Define your needs
  2. Share your needs
  3. Listen to the other person’s needs
  4. Generate possible solution (i.e. more than one)
  5. Evaluate the possible solutions and choose the best one
  6. Implement the solution
  7. Follow up the solution (did it work) – this is an important step that most people forget to do. 

 

Technology and Conflict

  1. Wait and re-read
  2. Assume the best and watch out for the worst
  3. See outside counsel (ideally face to face)
  4. Weigh your options carefully
  5. Communicate competently

 

Additional Resources:

Edmonds CC counseling resources on Conflict (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.

How to disagree (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.by Kid President

How People with Different Conflict Styles can Work Together (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site. – Harvard Business Review by Amy Gallo

Dare to Disagree (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site. – Margaret Heffernan

Conflict Negotiation (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.– William Ury

Job Info (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site. – How to get paid for Mediation (Conflict Resolution)

 

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